By Jeany Miller
From the Diary of a Fat Woman Blog Series
I learned this week that my little sister is getting married next year.
This will be her first marriage, at age 30, to a divorced father of two. They’ve been dating for two years, and she is absolutely ecstatic. She’s always wanted to get married and have a family, and now she has found not only someone who wants the same, but somebody who loves her above all others.
After my initial rush of happiness, I couldn’t help but experience the usual insecurities that tend to plague me in daily life.
One of my first thoughts, for instance, was, “I better get serious about losing weight so I’ll look nice for her wedding.”The first problem with this thought is that I should be thinking of my sister, not myself.
But, enshrined in my own daily problems and selfish worries as I am, of course I had to spoil the moment. I can only be grateful I did this silently, without voicing my thought to another soul. Had I done that, I’m pretty sure I would’ve been kicked out of my family for good.
Of course, aside from being incredibly selfish, my single-minded thought also begged this question: what does it mean to finally “get serious about losing weight”? Is there a point where I should stamp my foot and cry, “No more,” to the heavens? Or do I need to start exercising three times daily in order to demonstrate my commitment? What, exactly, must I do to be “serious?"
I have no idea what the answer is, but here’s what I do know:
my weight has finally become a problem when it interferes with the happiness I should have for my newly-engaged sister.
When the only thought I can have is for myself and what I’m going to do to lose weight, I have finally spiraled past the point of healthy concern. At this junction, in fact, I would have to say I am finally obsessing over my weight. Its impact on my happiness is undeniable, and I now see that quite clearly.
How, then, do I get out of this mind frame? The first response is to lose weight. Stop thinking about it, stop wishing for it to happen, stop hoping a bolt of lightning from the sky will magically make me thin again.
Exercising is hard, it makes me feel awful, and my body screams in bitter agony every time I attempt something other than holding down the couch. But it is the only way, the only way, I can get rid of this weight.
In the last two weeks, I’ve been to Curves twice. That’s beyond pathetic; it’s a very clear picture of someone who wants to lose weight, but isn’t willing to put in the necessary work to reach that goal. And thus I stay at the status quo, with nobody to blame but myself.
Moreover, my eating habits are more abominable than ever. My friend finally brought this to light several days ago when he told me I need to start eating more fruits and vegetables and stop the chips and cookies. Of course I immediately grew angry, but after thinking about his comment, I realized how right he is. And he was only trying to help, not incite my rage.
I have no idea if my sister’s pending nuptials will inspire me to lose weight or not. What I do know:
I need to change my way of thinking, and do it quickly before anymore of life’s most treasured moments pass me by. And perhaps I could take a few lessons in selfless living as well.
Photo Credit: Beraldo Leal