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April 10, 2013 at 8:00 AMComments: 0 Faves: 0

Meet the New Jeany!

By Jeany Miller More Blogs by This AuthorFrom the Diary of a Fat Woman Blog Series

A Talk with My Sister

I spent Easter Sunday with my family at my sister’s house. Before my parents arrived, my sister and I talked together for some time. She lives about 45 minutes away, so I don’t see her often. In fact, I haven’t seen her since Christmas. The first thing she said to me when I walked in the door was, “I’ve gained 11 pounds since you last saw me. I know I look horrible, so please don’t say anything.”

My sister is very thin with womanly curves. Her stomach is completely flat, but she isn’t built like a stick. She has a small chest and curvy hips, which is to say that she has the perfect build. I couldn’t see where she had gained so much as an ounce and told her that. But she was adamant, and we got into a discussion about weight, which led to my saying, “At least you don’t look like me. I’m a whale.”

After I said this, the conversation turned more serious. She looked at me and said, “You’re not fat, you’re proportionate. But have you ever thought you don’t lose weight because you don’t love yourself enough to do so?”

Why Can't I Just Love Myself?

I thought that this was an interesting question, one that’s never been posed to me before. I thought for a moment before realizing that she's right. Clearly, I don’t love myself; if I did, I wouldn’t eat until I’m racked with self-loathing. I've literally lost sleep worrying about my weight. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken in the middle of the night and thought, “If I don’t start doing something right now about my weight, I’m going to weigh 450 pounds someday.”

If I loved myself, I would break this terrible cycle that’s swept me along for the last seven years. I’m officially at my highest weight, so if I’m going to do something about it, now is definitely the time. And while I may think I look okay the way I am, the bottom line is that I don’t feel okay about myself. It’s not that I’m unhealthy – far from it, to be honest - but I don’t feel okay mentally. I hate the way I look, and I dread going out in public because I’m the biggest one of my group of friends.

Developing New Habits

Now the question is how to love myself or at least respect myself enough to change my habits and stop waking in the middle of the night in a panic?

I might have to change my habits before I can love myself, because being a couch potato with a double chin and no energy isn’t likely to induce my affections. I have the distinct feeling that I would respect myself much more if I got off the couch and started moving. I’m also quite certain it wouldn’t hurt to eat some fruits and vegetables. These are the habits I want to cultivate to be a person who is healthy inside and out.

Couch to 5K starts Saturday, April 6. My mind is made up, and the weather forecast looks good. In the meantime, I have my choice between a workout DVD, Wii Fitness, or Curves. But it’s got to be one of the three because I can’t take anymore of my slovenly self. Good bye old Jeany, hello new Jeany.

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