So, today I finally went against my better judgment and stepped completely out of my comfort zone to join Curves. This was so, SO hard for me to do, especially because I feel ridiculously awkward trying to exercise in front of others. It is, after all, bad enough to do at home by myself where no other soul can see me.
The truth is: I don’t exercise at home, no matter what my best intentions are.
I sit and look at my Nordic bike in the corner of my living room every single day, and I’m to the point that I think the thing would be better off in a garage sale than waiting for me to use it.
At the most fundamental level, I am not motivated to exercise at home. Instead, I use my time to either work or read, and I’m completely out of excuses. I’m also unhappy enough with myself to finally admit that I need help to lose this weight. I feel powerless to undo the lifestyle habits I’ve acquired over the last seven or eight years. And rather than making wiser choices about what I eat as I age, I tend to just eat whatever is in front of me, especially if it comes in a box or bag.
The real turning point, however, occurred just earlier this week, when I visited a friend at her apartment and had to climb a flight of stairs to get to her. At the top of that flight, my knees hurt with the effort of climbing, and I was breathless as I walked to her door.
It was so embarrassing to greet her as my lungs heaved, begging for air that in that moment, I finally realized it doesn’t have to be like this.
Sitting around wishing on stars and silently berating myself for eating a whole bag of Doritos isn’t going to accomplish anything; moreover, all of my plans and goals are just dust in the air until I take the steps necessary to make them real.
So I chose Curves because it’s for women only, which suits my current desire to avoid male scrutiny. I also took great pains to become acquainted with the owner of the facility, who is a middle-aged woman with one of the most positive, can-do attitudes I’ve ever encountered. This is exactly what I need, because my body image is so negative that I can’t see anything except hopelessness where my weight loss progress is concerned. And, finally, the 30-minute circuit seems to be just right for my hectic, ever-demanding schedule.
My hope is that as I get back into shape, I’ll have more energy to work harder, faster and open my schedule up to accomplish the things I’ve always longed to do:
join a book club, attend Zumba class and submit short story pitches to magazines. Right now, I feel so dead tired all the time that every free moment is spent lying on the couch, zoned out in front of the television or lost in some novel I’ve already read 100 times. While this is relaxing, it’s not exactly living life, and I don’t want to be a blob anymore. I want to feel like a real, energetic human being who’s grabbing every opportunity with both hands and shaking it for all it’s worth.