5 Reasons Your Waiter Hates Your Face
The title of this blog isn't necessarily true, but, most likely, it's spot on. Why does the waiter you get hate your face? Here is a few reasons to answer that and tips on how you can get better service!
You are a flipping idiot.
If you sit there, "hem and haw" over what you want to eat, and ask questions that are either irrelevant or already answered in the menu, you really are a waste of space. This isn't too bad when no one is in the restaurant. However, at 7:30 p.m. and your waiter has a billion other places to be - including 5 other tables - asking your waiter what he likes best is a waste of time. The only response you're going to get is the $40 entree: prime rib stuffed with lobster, wrapped in bacon, and sprinkled with gold dust. The reason that the wait staff will completely up-sell you is that you have completely alienated them with your idiocy and lack of regard for them. Good Job.
You can avoid this by telling your waiter when you're ready to order! Don't make them hover over you for 10 minutes so they can hold your little weak hand in order to make a decision about what you want to eat! If you need more time say, "hey, bro, I need more time!" You can put your menu down at the edge of the table when you're ready, that means you want to order. This will make the wait staff hate you a little less.
You blame the waiter for the kitchen staff's incompetence.
Seriously? Really people? They get it! You are frustrated. The kitchen didn't get your food right, but everyone else is eating (WAHHH!!!!) and what do you do? send it back! Typically the wait staff is fine with running back food to get it changed. BUT if the food was exactly how you ordered it, and it's you who just doesn't know what medium rare means or you suddenly remember that you have an aversion to liver (why the crap did you order liver you bumbling fool!), that wastes the wait staff's time. The worst thing you can do is to get an attitude at the wait staff because of a mistake the kitchen made. If your pathetically inept brain loses all cognitive function after a meal and decide to leave less than a 20% tip when the food was cooked wrong, you will end up on a black list somewhere.
The remedy to this issue is very simple. It goes hand in hand with reason 1, but don't be an idiot about what you order. If what you order comes out botched, don't give the waiter your "'tude" because it ISN'T HIS FLIPPING FAULT!
You are a crappy tipper.
The only time you shouldn't give 20% of the bill is when there is a blatant failing on the waiter's part. If he gives you crap or is a total jerk about serving you, then yeah, take a bit off! He's working in customer service, and it's his job to at least put up a fake smile and be a tolerable human being. If you get ALL STAR service, you can tip more than 20%. There isn't some unwritten rule that says 20% is the maximum tip. There is, however, an unwritten rule that regardless of the quality of service you need to leave at least 10%. If you're tipping anywhere below 20%, it means something was wrong with the service or that you are a selfish cheapskate. There aren't two ways about it. If there's a huge meal gratuity, it should be calculated with everything pre-tax. If you're just buying drinks, it's typically $1 per drink. People who say that you "don't tip on drinks" are people that have never been waiters, getting talked to and treated all day like they're owned. Typically, those people are horrible horrible human beings deep down.
Avoid this by not being a total tool. I realize that's hard for some of you, but, unless there is something wrong with your order, tip no less than 20% of the bill. If you order one drink or something else very cheap, under no circumstances may you tip under a dollar.
You're a creeper.
This applies to waitresses more than waiters, but constantly hitting on an innocent (or even dirty and defiled) waitress and creeping her out is unacceptable. Nobody will want to give you good service; this may even prompt the wait staff may go out of their way to give you TERRIBLE service.
Avoiding this revolves around life choices more than anything. Don't drive a white cargo van. Don't have a thin creepy mustache: there are men that can pull them off and men that cannot. Deal with the fact that you aren't chosen to be one of those men. The most important rule off all is, under all circumstances, do not wear anything made of freaking snakeskin! Mullets, large glasses, and denim vests are on the "you're a creeper" list too. The best bit of advice may to be try to not to be creepy (I realize this is impossible for some of you). Keep in mind that many utensils used in a kitchen are eerily similar to those used on medieval battlegrounds.
You are impossible to please.
Regardless of the quality of service, you can find something to complain about. If there are super loud people in the table next to you, guess who's fault it isn't? Your waiter's. If you wanted to eat by yourself in total seclusion, stay home. No one wants to see you or listen to you whine. When a waiter tries everything in his power to give you a good dining experience, and you still act like something was rammed up your butt when you walked in, you're an awful person with no social grace.
The solution to this is simple, don't be a total jerk, or even a passive-aggressive jerk. Actually, let's just leave all the jerkness to the soul-sucking bowels of the kitchen, which is inevitably full of angst-filled musicians frying stuff while spewing off philosophic garbage between yelling at the waitstaff.
Being a waiter is really hard, and they get paid next to nothing. Just remember that the next time you go out to eat...