The Anti-Advice Column
Good morning! How are we today? Good? Great! So, I have some exciting news. The other day my mother told me she thought I could be the next Ann Landers! At first I didn't totally agree, but now that I've thought about it, I think she might be right. I mean, just listen to me! The rationality certainly abounds with this one, am I right?
Dear Anti-Advice Column,
My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend walks past me on campus sometimes, and she always gives me the most intense stare down. I'm pretty sure I never did anything to her except very openly critiquing her choice to wear leotards repeatedly. What should I do?
Lost in Los Angeles
This one is a toughy. I don't like girls that wear leotards either. Let's go to the phones. And by phones, I mean I texted my mom, my little brother, and an old roommate of mine to check out their opinions because I am at a loss.
My mom: Well, I would just stop her right there and say hi. Maybe she's just nervous! If you say hi then maybe you two could be friends.
My brother: Hit her.
My old roommate: Would you stop obsessing over stuff like this? I am an adult now and no longer have time for random freak-outs about things that are not only completely irrelevant to your life, but also to mine. I love you, but you're a lot right now.
Well, there you have it! A plethora of options to choose from. I myself might stray away from my brother's thought; I think he was joking. Also, I would avoid my mom's thoughts; you will never be friends with your boyfriend's ex. Under no circumstance. Maybe I would just make direct eye contact with her for a prolonged period of time and see what happens. Anyways, on to the next one!
Dear Anti-Advice Column,
I recently graduated college and I still can't find a job. What am I supposed to do? Why did I even go to college??? What can I do to make myself a more marketablecandidate?
Worried in Wisconsin
You probably went to college for the same reason the rest of the world did: to meet new people and drink their flat beer. Seriously, even as a senior I drank way too much flat beer. What is up with that? Let's check the phones about that, shall we?
My dad: We did not give you grocery money to spend on alcohol. You owe me some money missy.
Another old roommate: Flat beer sucks. You remember that time you spilled a keg all over the kitchen floor because you broke the tap? That was hilarious. You probably drank so much flat beer because you still have no idea how to tap a keg.
My cousin that already succeeded in life and can now afford to casually buy IPAs: Man, I remember flat beer. Those were the days. I loved college. All nighters, football Saturdays, living with the guys. We should get tickets to the next home game!
There's a good life lesson somewhere in there. (Maybe: keep your beverages carbonated and a swiffer on hand.) Seriously though, if you want to know why you can't get a job, why don't you ask one of your fellow recent grads. There's a 60% chance that they're underemployed or completely unemployed and questioning every decision they ever made in life as well.
Dear Anti-Advice Column,
My boyfriend is moving to a different country temporarily. I've always said that I'd never do long distance, but I really like him. Do you think I should keep dating him?
Sad in Saratoga
Ouch. A different country? Temporarily? Sounds tough. Personally, I don't have any experience in this area. Let's go back to the phones. This time I've got my great-grandma, my 9 year old cousin, and myself, because that's who was available at the moment.
My great-grandma: He's doing what? Moving? Why? Well, what happened to that other boy you were dating? Date him instead. I used to have two or three boyfriends at a time you know. I liked to keep them guessing. What's he doing in another country anyways? Living in the mountains?! Aren't you worried that he's going to be eaten by a bear? I wouldn't go with him anymore. It sounds dangerous.
My 9 year old cousin: If he's moving to a different country that means you're not going to get married, which means you're not dating anymore so you can find a new boyfriend. Can I play on your phone?
Me: I think you should date boys that you like. If that boy just so happens to reside in the Netherlands or whatever for the moment then sure, keep dating him. He'll come back eventually. What's that grossly overused quote? If you love someone let them go, and then maybe they'll come back? It's something like that. If not, there are a ton of boys in the world. And since the job market is so bad right now, I bet half of them are unemployed and therefore have that much more time to lavish attention on you! That's what I call a win-win situation.
It looks like it's about half and half, not counting my cousin. I feel that she had ulterior motives with that response. I'm not sure I would go with my family's opinions though. I don't normally ask my family for serious advice. I would go with my advice if I were you. Especially if he's cute.
Well, that's all the space we've got this time! Thanks so much for reading, and I look forward to hearing some more of your problems that you sadly lack the inner resources to solve for yourself at a later date!