The Anti-Advice Column II
Hello again! So, after my first advice column went live my mother called me up and simply said, “ANN LANDERs...BreaANa OstrANDER”. Need I say more? You all absolutely flooded me with questions for my next advice column as well. Most of them revolved around why I was using my own family to answer questions that were supposed to go directly to me, so let me explain. My family has a lot of opinions, and I think that every once in awhile, someone should actually put them to use because Lord knows I won't.
Anyways, let's get started, shall we? Oh, and I should tell you right now to stop sending me questions like, “Am I pregnant?” or “Could I be pregnant? My boyfriend and I have only made out, but is it possible?” Trust me, I know the whole Mary thing freaked a lot of us out, but let's leave that type of question on Yahoo! Answers, where it belongs. These first two questions come from friends (I assume) of friends on Facebook.
Dear Anti-Advice Column,
My girlfriend recently moved in with me. She's a slob. I'm tidy. We agreed before she moved in that ALL she would be responsible for is putting her dirty clothes in the hamper. Instead, the pile is growing high and wide on the floor. I do every other household chore. How can she not do this one little thing? And how long do I give her before I explode?
Lost in Laundry
So, it kind of sounds like you knew exactly what you were getting yourself into? Also, let me tell you, if I moved in with someone who told me I only had to do one chore, it would be easy livin' and I would try to get out of that one chore. My mother knows this for a fact.
My mom: Oh, you think that dirty clothes are bad? I've got three dogs, two cats, and a husband. How often do you think I have to clean up after them? That's right, all the time. It's non stop. I am exhausted. And there are fruit flies all over the place! One more thing to deal with! As if vacuuming the living room twice a day wasn't taking up enough of my time!
My nine-year-old cousin: My mom cleans stuff for me, so I don't have to, 'cause I get busy reading. And sometimes, when my mom tells me to do stuff I forget to do it so she just does it for me because it bugs her, even if I meant to do it.
Yeah, I'm not even going to bother asking another person, because I think my cousin kind of said it all. Please note that she is nine. Also, I wouldn't wait until you explode...that sounds counterproductive to your relationship. Next!
Dear Anti-Advice Column,
I've been dating my boymate (a made up word my friend and I decided to call him because he's my boyfriend that lives with me) for three years, and we've been living together for two years. He's in NO rush to even get engaged. We are 32. What can I do about this?
Shacking Up in Shakope
Wow, living with someone sounds like it sucks. Kind of like having a roommate, but being unable to leave them passive aggressive post-its over a sink full of dirty dishes because you don't want to damage the potential for marriage, which you actually haven't decided whether or not you want to commit to, so you've settled on the inbetween ground of choosing to be together in a way that makes everyone happy except for your family (who wants you to get married and make an honest man/woman of yourself), your friends (who are annoyed with you because all you do is stay in), and yourself (who is struggling with the whole marriage thing). Was that a run-on sentence? I have a lot of feelings. But hey, if it's working for you then keep on keeping on! Go you! I'm sure I'll understand when I'm older! Let's see if my family understands though:
My grandma: If you give 'em what they want too early, you're never going to get what you want! Now, I do have some extra peanut butter in the pantry. Do you want that? You take it; I'll never eat it. Yuck.
My sister: We should get a drunk. I mean, drink.
My older cousin: Hey, you only have four years to go before you're common law. Hold tight man. You got this.
I think that's my grandma's way of saying why buy the cow if the milk is free. Also, the second part wasn't a metaphor, or at least I don't think. Also, don't get me wrong, I'm sure living together is the right thing for you to do, and I'm super happy for you. Super. It's just that, sociologically speaking, couples that live together are 30% less likely to get married, and 80% more likely to get a divorce or break up during cohabitation than other couples. That's science. But hey, happy hoping! Here's our last one, who unfortunately called me to ask me my opinion on this.
Dear Anti-Advice Column,
So, I drove out to Colorado to see my girlfriend, and accidentally hit a deer in Wyoming. Like, a few hours ago. What should I do? Should I tell my parents? I'm totally fine, but, just how should I handle it?
Wandering in Wyoming
Do they have taxi services in Wyoming? Do they have anything at all other than National Parks and wild horses in Wyoming? That actually sounds kind of nice. Do you really have to leave? You could probably get an apartment for pretty cheap there, now that I think about it.
My brother: Here's what you do: Get a towtruck, and have him drop you off at a hotel. You're definitely old enough; you shouldn't have any problems whatsoever. Call 'em in the morning. No need to worry them at 2 am. And hey, no matter what anyone else says, it's not your fault. Driving straight through the night without telling anyone so you can visit your girlfriend that you'll see at Christmas break anyways makes sense to me.
My mother: *gross, incoherent, scream-crying*
Oh, shoot, I forgot to tell my mom it was a hypothetical. She doesn't do well in emergency situations.
My mother after I explain the situation better: Tell them right away. I can't believe anyone would do something like this. Do you know how hard it is to get that car fixed and back to Portland? Boy, I hope your parents aren't paying for this, because you need to learn a lesson in responsibility.
Right. So good luck, and I did look into you getting an apartment in Wyoming. I found one that you can rent to own for $300 a month. Yeah, it looks like, going at that rate, you could own it in a little less than a year. Call a guy named Rex, and tell him I sent you. There's a vending machine at the entrance, and it looks like it has Mountain Dew stocked, so you should be all set.
You guys are kind of obsessed with your significant others this week. Don't you people have jobs, or hobbies? Anything? Here's a tip: Golden Girls and milk chocolate gelato. The kind that looks fancy, but you can actually find it at Meijer right next to Breyer's Triple Churned. I don't want to hear any judgments about my intimate knowledge of the freezer section either; you're the one reading an advice column.
Journal of Social and Personal Relationships #11