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September 8, 2011 at 3:54 PMComments: 3 Faves: 1

5 Amazingly Awkward Moments

By E.M. Wollof from SLN More Blogs by This Author

The awkward moment…that pride obliterating rift in time that leaves you wondering why you chose to get out of bed in the morning. We’ve all had them, we all hate them and, in the end, we all find them absolutely hilarious when we aren’t involved. This post is a homage to a handful of those wretched moments that leave us wondering just what in the heck we were thinking.

Sorry sir…but this card has been declined…

You’re standing at the front of a line 20 people long in a busy supermarket that only has one line open for some outrageous reason, the cashier has scanned your massive purchase that contains products you already wish you would have used the self-checkout for and you go to swipe the card that you are absolutely positive has money on it and….nope.

The first instinct for almost all of us is, well this has to be some kind of mistake, rerun my card until it magically has money on it good sir! This action inevitably digs you deeper into the utter embarrassment that you are already feeling, but the real nasty doesn’t begin until you start to think of how you are going to remove yourself from the situation. Like so many good citizens today, you don’t have another form of payment outside of the almighty debit card and that option is spent. Do you walk away? Do you start taking off jewelry in the hopes that you can bring back the barter system of old? Or do you just take your come-uppins and walk away, head held as low as possible to avoid the angry daggers your fellow consumers are throwing at you? 

Choose wisely young grasshopper…

Don’t leave me hanging…

The work day is about to begin and you have been having yourself one awesome morning, breakfast was amazing, you are actually on time, traffic was light and you are feeling the need to give the first person you see a ground breaking high five. Unfortunately for you, not every person is in the high five mood this early in the morning on a Monday and the first person you see is hip to the fact that the high five died in the early 80’s. You approach with confidence, raise your arm up proud to deliver a beastly form of hello and….they walk right past like you.

So, there you are, standing in the middle of the hallway, just outside an office where all the desks face the door, with an absolutely dumb-founded grin on your face from your previous thoughts of awesomeness. Hand held high with nothing to slap, all happiness drained from your body, you do the only thing you know and raise your other hand up to meet the cold palm that was so brutally left un-fived.

Here’s to you brave citizen, for attempting to spice up Monday morning…have fun being told you have a case of the Monday’s the rest of the day.

“You Too”

It’s your anniversary! You and your significant other are on the way to a reserved seat in a high end restaurant that you have always dreamed of eating at. The anticipation in the car is palpable, the conversation edgy and alive, the love in the air can be seen in opposite lanes. When you arrive at the restaurant and are seated in what could only be called “the suite seat,” you settle in to commenting on how amazing the atmosphere is and how you can’t wait to see if the food is up to par. You begin to look at the over-priced menu, offering assurance that there is nothing to fear, you have been saving up for this, the waiter comes over and you place your order, no doubt pronouncing half of it wrong. The wait for the food is filled with conversation on which table pieces you need to buy for your own house, knowing fully well that none of it will ever be purchased. The wait over, the waiter approaches, setting your food gently in front of you, slowly raising up he says, “Enjoy your meal.”

Staring at the lusciousness in front of you, you don’t take the time to process the correct response and an extra ignorant, “you too” blurts out of your already salivating mouth. Immediately you realize your error and you flash a lop-sided, “I’m an idiot” grin at the waiter, who returns the fake kindness with a “Yes you are and the tip had better reflect that fact.”

Congratulations good sir and welcome to the ranks of thoughtlessness.

Hey, someone’s waving at me…

You sit on a bench outside of the coffee store you just purchased your favorite java from, taking in the glory of a cool fall morning and the hustle-bustle of busy bodies rushing too and fro. The longer you sit the deeper you fall into the feeling that the world is beginning to rotate around you…you have magically developed a monstrous gravitational pull and all things revolve around your very small bench.

Lost in all the fantasies of controlling everyone around you by thought, you notice that there is someone who just isn’t following your subliminal commands, but is instead waving madly in your direction. You have reached deep into your memory banks and have come to the conclusion that you have absolutely no idea who this person is. Instead of taking a step back and realizing that the likelihood this person is acknowledging your universal dominance is extremely low, you decide to throw up an enthusiastic wave. Just as you are at the height of your waving supremacy, a person that is not even close to looking like the ruler of universe (as you do) walks by you waving. Both parties look at you in disdain for ruining their happy moment with your wave mooching and you hang your head in despair. Just when you think that the moment could not get any more lonely and depressing, you realize that, in your intense moment of wavy happiness, you bumped your expensive coffee and it is slowly seeping onto what was once the center of the universe.

My apologies friend, it can only get better from here…

Excuse me, what was that?

The work week is winding down, you put in your hours and are ready to head home and enjoy the most relaxing weekend you have had since last weekend. In all honesty, your head just hasn’t been in the game, it’s Friday and you are on coast. A co-worker is standing in front of you explaining this weeks TPS reports…you stopped paying attention to this explanation right around “hi” and have been, in your head, silently flying around the office like superman. You know that you should be paying attention because the reports are something that the boss is always getting on you for, but it’s Friday and your care tank is on empty.

Suddenly, and without any warning, your flight is abruptly pulled to a halt by the small portion of your brain that was paying attention. You refocus your mind and realize that the extremely long winded rant by your co-worker has finished with a question…and you have no idea what it was. Two options pop into your head: One, you can acknowledge the fact that you weren’t paying attention, beg him to ask the question again and move on like nothing even happened. Two, you can be a stubborn idiot and throw up something painfully generic like, “Yea, I totally agree.”

Doing the only thing that feels right, you throw out a big piece of generic. Immediately you are met with a gut wrenching, guilt causing sad face by the co-worker who realizes he was spilling his pain to someone who wasn’t even listening. He bows his head and walks away at a pace that could only be described as heart-brokenly slow.

Good work champ, enjoy that amazing weekend alone…

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3 Comments

  • Best blog to date

  • Love this! What a great post. :)
    Here's a recent story for you to enjoy: When I went into work one morning, this lady was sitting in a car with her window open. I walked up to the door of the building and she yelled "Hey You!" So I turned around and looked at her because it had sounded like she was talking to me. She returned my look with a "why are you staring at me" glare and then I saw the phone in her hand. Talk about awkward. :/ I hurried my pace and got into the building fast, but then I just tried to laugh it off.

  • oh! i can top tht one! soo Im walking down to the vending machine to get a delicious rootbeer because root beer is amazing and I like it. And as I'm walking a guy walks in the building wearing a polo, loafers, and carrying a brief case WITH NO PANTS ON! Seriously all he had was boxers! and he was all friendly and said hi and walked past me. WEEEIIRRDDDD

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