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December 26, 2012 at 3:18 PMComments: 8 Faves: 1

Top 5 Tech Happenings of 2012

By E.M. Wollof from SLN More Blogs by This Author

Hey! Let's do a top 5 list! I know, it's a relatively new format for providing information to the teeming masses, so bear with me, as this is a complex writing process.

2012 was a stellar year for the tech industry. <---- See this statement? Replace the year and various variations of that bad boy have been used more than a zombie meme in the 21st century. Guess what peeps? We live in a technological society! No crap the tech industry had a good year, it's the only frickin' industry producing anything with regularity (that we care about).

That being said, let's talk a wee-bit about this year's batch of tech industry awesomeness.

5.) The Patent Wars

Let me first say, I love it when multi-billion dollar corporations argue over who should get billions more dollars and who invented the best curved piece of plastic. I mean, I have to scrape together everything I have to buy a house, but I totally understand arguing over completely unoriginal designs and services. Let's take a look at these extremely artistic arguments.

- Samsung vs. Apple/Apple vs. Samsung

Yes, they accused each other of infringing upon their respective designs, essentially making them both plaintiff AND defendant. After trials and retrials, appeals and repeals, absolutely nothing has been accomplished, other than billions of tax payer dollars being spent on deciding whose product is more special.

- Oracle vs. Google

Oracle accused Google of using their newly acquired Java tech for the Android OS without paying for a license. They quickly found out two things: You don't mess with Google and jurors are brand loyal.

- A Lot More

I lost interest. Just envision grown adults wearing suits worth the equivalent of your car in a slap fight that people have placed billion dollar bets on.

4.) Facebook

Facebook went public this year! The billionaire playboy of antisocial interaction, Mark Zuckerberg, proved just how awesome he was by only divulging to the suits Facebook's potential numbers, and leaving the public in the dark. What resulted? Average Joes and Janes got extremely excited at raking in billions of their own and corporate big wigs thought twice about a company with very little left to offer. Now, those who thought investing in the death of interpersonal communication are broke and Facebook has once again proven it will fail you at every turn.

And yet, Facebook hasn't lost any users. I am more than a little confused at this. There are profile pages extolling the danger of corporate control in social circumstances, yet the very existence of these pages is supporting one of this year's largest proponents. Addicted much?

3.) Windows Everything

I entered this year with so much hope for Windows and Microsoft. Windows 8 was looking fantastic and I was going to purchase a tablet superior to all others because of said OS. My lovely wife attempted to warn me, but I didn't listen. I dig Windows, I grin and bear its flaws, and I am a dedicated Xbox user. I think that PC is better than Mac. I should be rewarded for my loyalty!!!!!!

So, come my birthday, I went out and purchased a ASUS tablet running Windows 8. I took it home and it ran great! I was pinning like a madman, loving Xbox SmartGlass, and totally rubbing into my wife the superior look of Windows 8.

I took it to work the next day and guess what? I was disappointed. The tablet froze every two hours for 5 days straight, items I pinned to my home screen would disappear, the WiFi reception was spotty at best (even though my phone was piping tunes consistently for 8 hours), and I had to tell my wife she was right...again.

Microsoft, I'm not mad, just disappointed...and by disappointed I mean I want to break your face with an iPad.

2.) RIM

"You mean we can't leave the basic design of our phones the same for numerous generations and expect people to keep buying it?"

"No Blackberry, you can't do that."

"But, what about Blackberry 10?"

"No Blackberry! Geez, leave us alone! Go ask for a government bailout or something, damn."

You see? That was a discussion between RIM and the consumer! Get it?

1.) Zynga

Zynga is a classic example of what happens when you get too big in the britches and greedy. They enjoyed massive profits in 2011, but all that green came from blatantly ripping off other game developers and micro-transacting the crap out of stupid Facebook users.

This year? They're down $53 million and losing users like MySpace on a good day.

Word to the wise Zynga: Don't claim to be a game developer if you aren't developing any games, people will find out. Oh wait, you already knew that. Enjoy poverty posers.

I'd like to take a moment to thank all these monolithic corporations for being greedy failures. Pieces like this just wouldn't come together if it weren't for their greed and stupidity. Thanks!

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8 Comments

  • RIM: "But, but, but, we made our money because our phones are so unique and recognizable!" Us: "Really, Blackberry? You might have been a good choice for old people back before there were real smartphones, but now you are just embarrassing yourself. No one wants a small-screened phone with a keyboard that won't go away."

    I have always hated Blackberrys, even when they were cool. I was not ever going to get internet on my phone if that was the only choice. Remember the awful little scrolling ball they put in it? Yeah, that made me really want it.

  • I love how you summed it up at the end there, Wollof... I was thinking that there seemed to be a common thread just in time to read, "I'd like to take a moment to thank all these monolithic corporations for being greedy failures. Pieces like this just wouldn't come together if it weren't for their greed and stupidity. Thanks!"

    No, Wollof, thank you!

  • Rex: Yes Blackberries suck, and they have always sucked. Do you remember how they never quite fit in your hand correctly? Like they were made for some species of human that developed in another dimension?

    Kyle: My pleasure. I take all the opportunities I can to point out the failures of our demi-god tech creators whilst working for a tech company. I am sure my cosmic karma tab is getting rather lengthy but hell, who doesn't grasp at the chance to spit in the face of their masters?

    Thanks for reading gents.

  • I'm bummed to hear that you were disappointed with Windows 8! I was so excited when I saw what it would look like - finally, Microsoft doing something truly innovative. (As much as I love my new iPod, I do think Apple's overuse of skeumorphics is getting old.) But it seems like Microsoft will now go back to playing catch-up once more. Great article!

  • It was disappointing, no doubt about it. I really dug the look, but the functionality/reliability just wasn't there yet.

  • I'm sure the reliability will get there eventually...but the problem is, by then, everything else will have moved on to something better. My brother-in-law got rid of his Windows 8 as well. Ah well...your move, Apple!

  • I bet getting smashed in the face with an ipad by wollof would hurt...

  • I love your description of the patent wars. Zynga has never received $0.99 from me even though I play words like crazy.

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