How To: Move Least Effectively
1. Jump into it too fast
Find out you have an opportunity somewhere. Don’t think about the little things; just jump at the opportunity. Don’t think it through all the way (Who has time for that these days?). You have to decide and then you have to go. RIGHT NOW. No, seriously, I already packed the car. What do you mean I can’t bring my car?
2. Continue to be completely unsure about every decision you make throughout a very important time in your life
Should you buy pasta or salad? What is a tofu roll? Should you get that? Do you want a roommate, or to live alone? What about your cat, should you bring her? How many books is too many books to bring to a new city? Well, that depends on how long you plan on staying. How long do you plan on staying anyways? Years? Months? What’s a sake bar? Be completely unsure. Come to no conclusions; just ask more and more questions.
3. Feel wishy-washy about said decisions until a breaking point
Meander around your new city for a solid month while you’re pondering all of these decisions. Stay with friends, at hotels, with cousins, really anywhere that has a spare mattress. Bring only one duffel bag of stuff. Have real, actual adult responsibilities and try to fit them into your awkwardly nomadic wanderings. Fail. Forget your toothbrush and get a new one at Walgreen’s, along with gum, pretty paper, a set of pens, and a bag of Snickers in the shape of Santa. Come on, it’s almost Christmas anyways!
4. Leave the country just as you get situated
Oh, feeling comfortable are you? Go visit your best friend, feel situated and completely at home there for about a week, forget about real life completely, and then plunge back into it completely. Feel as if the world is over as a result. Stare longingly out of windows, watch too much TV to make up for the lack of a person next to you, and sigh wistfully while thinking about holding hands. Be all kinds of dramatic about it because you simply know no other way.
5. Move in the coldest, greyest season
Nothing says “Welcome to the city!” like not seeing the sun for a week straight. I hope you like ice and rain, because that’s what November and December bring! Also January, February, and March. Sounds like a lovely start! Moving in the balminess of August isn’t for you - you’re tough! May, you suggest? You can’t move in May. The cheerful chirping of the birds and the early sunrises will only irritate you. No, you move to the deep Midwest at the start of December, with all the other kids that have S.A.D.
If you follow these steps very carefully then you too can move in the most ineffective manner possible! Please do not deviate from the path. All and any deviations from the path will lead you to have a more successful move.