Longing for Acceptance
It's Friday night, and I am alone on the couch. I see Facebook alight with friends posting on my news feed about bridal showers, and “BFFs” posting on each others walls about how they enjoy their company. It's never occurred to me that this is wrong, just how much I don't truly relate to it.
My fiance Rick works during the weekend, pulling twelve hour shifts as a lab technician. In the time he's at work, I go out for exercise and enjoy time playing video games on the couch. I'm content by myself but when I see statuses with friends tagged in it, or pictures of friends together, sometimes I can't help but feel like my life has passed me by. I am twenty-four, and I have no true “female best friend.” If I had to say who my best female friend was, I'd have to go with my mother.
In the past month, I have thought more about my ex best friend than I've wanted to. When I exercise, I have to go by one of the buildings that is connected to her job. I used to enjoy it, because it made me think of her. Now I dread it, because it is a constant reminder of a friendship I have lost.
But I'm not going to change my routine just for the memory of her. Though I can't help but feel distressed that she is becoming more in my life than I want her to be.
The Real Me
My friendships with females have always ended the same, and my fears for the future stem with the thought that it may be my fault. Sometimes I feel that being myself is difficult when female friends do not accept the “real me.” I recall a time when I was hanging out with my friend Katie and she invited her friend Michelle to come along with us. It was going well, until Michelle decided to analyze my personality.
“You're too nice, you make me feel horrible,” Michelle proceeded to say, and I questioned what this truly meant. If being nice was suddenly a crime, I was confused. I started to question whether she wanted me to change my personality for her so she didn't feel bad about her unrelenting attacks on who I was. When she came out of the bathroom, she stated I should have bought Katie body lotion from Victoria's Secret instead of Bath & Body Works for Christmas. When I looked at Katie, she hung her head low and said nothing.
Being True To Yourself
In the loss of these friendships, I haven't changed who I am. I still pride myself on being a nice person, who values friendships. I haven't stopped being me, and I refuse to change for others. Eliminating negative friends from my life has left me with fewer friends, but with a clearer insight. I may feel alone on a Friday night when I see friends together, or I may even question why I never have myself; I still choose to find ways to enjoy myself and not let it get to me. There is a reason people leave your life, and sometimes you have to make the right decision for you and you alone. You shouldn't have to change who you are for someone, because they are so uncomfortable in their own skin.
I have always been true to myself, although at times I do struggle. I still know who I am, and I know that person isn't going to be forced to change for someone. If I do change, it will be for the better. Not for someone's negative benefit.