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April 5, 2013 at 8:00 AMComments: 0 Faves: 0

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

By Jeany Miller More Blogs by This Author

A Selfish, Ruthless End

A woman in my hometown died in a car accident that has shaken the entire community. A young man, just 18 years old, drove a borrowed SUV at speeds in excess of 60 miles per hour with his estranged girlfriend at his side through the center of town. The two were arguing, and, as they came upon a busy intersection with a grocery store on one side and a pharmacy on the other, he allegedly saw a small Ford Edge cross the street (the driver was leaving the grocery store and headed for home) and accelerated. According to the SUV’s female passenger, the driver – her boyfriend - deliberately and violently struck the Edge in the hopes of killing himself and his girlfriend, without thought for the woman he hit. But, as fate would have it, the innocent woman died on impact, and the two in the SUV walked away with menial injuries (he has a swollen, bloodied lip and a scratch on his face). He is now in police custody, and she is at home caring for their one-year-old son.

I tell you this heart-wrenching story because it has really made me think about and evaluate my own life. I can’t imagine leaving my apartment to go grocery shopping only to die so suddenly and tragically. The truth is that I’ve been unhappy for a long time, years in fact, not because of anything that’s psychologically wrong, but because of the people I let into my life and the situations that subsequently emerge. It’s time I stopped surrounding myself with these individuals and started seeking happiness instead of love.

Another Dysfunctional Relationship

I am presently in a relationship that hurts my heart rather than heals it. We’ve been together for some time, and yet he isn’t ready to take the next step. He has his apartment and I have mine, and, although he’s here most of the time, he’s reluctant to get a bigger place that would allow us to have a home together.

In the past, I’ve found texts to other women that are disconcerting at best. We’ve had several huge arguments about these messages, and he says he’s since stopped them, but I have my doubts. People can change, I know this, but I think that only happens when they’re motivated to do so, and he doesn’t seem to have that motivation.

We have other problems, too. He is still supporting his three children, ages 20, 22 and 23, from his previous marriage. They refuse to work because they’re in a rock band, and while that band is moderately successful in terms of fans, it doesn’t make any money. So he gives a great portion of his income to them so they can tour and pay for food and lodging. He also talks about his ex-wife a lot and still refers to her and his kids as his “family.”

Taking Stock of My Relationship

Even as I type this I’m asking myself what in the world I’m doing with this man. What is wrong with me that I can’t find a normal, stable, fulfilling relationship? The answer to that question is probably too lengthy for this article, so I’ll stick to my original theme: honest living. And if I’m honest, I’ll tell you I’m not happy. He is a good guy with a heart and faith that know no bounds, but I’m not getting what I need from him, and I’m the only one who can change that.

As part of my new commitment to healthy living, I need to tell him that some things are troubling me and have been for a long time. In the past, I’ve been afraid to do this because I don’t want him to leave. At this point, however, his leaving might enable me to recover some self-esteem and also find happiness, because I’m pretty sure I can’t do either with him still here.

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