You could earn SmartPoints on this page!SmartPoint Coin

Health Questions & Answers



Does anyone have an experience to share? How did you get through it?

Katie from SLN asked this
July 13, 2011 at 2:52 PM



My sister-in-law had a miscarriage in December. (She actually found out that she had lost the baby on the exact same day my sister found out that she was pregnant - talk about a weird coincidence!) It was heartbreaking, especially because I've never met anyone, male or female, who loves kids more than my brother.

In their situation, it was made more challenging by the fact that my brother hadn't yet found a job, and didn't have any family or friends close by to rely on since they had just moved.

However, I think what helped them a lot was the fact that they actually had a funeral, a casket, and a headstone. They even named him. With miscarriages, it's tragic, but people often write off the baby as if they never existed. With the funeral, my brother and his wife were able to get at least a little bit of closure. Today, they don't talk about "when they have kids," but "when they have more kids."

Another thing that helped was the fact that they had told us about the pregnancy as soon as they found out. Since we knew about the pregnancy, we could help them through the miscarriage. I can't imagine not telling people I was expecting, and then having to bear that burden of grief alone. I think it's better to tell people, personally, because then you have a huge network of support.

Laura Hogg answered
July 13, 2011 at 3:15 PM

Oh wow... I'm sorry to hear about the loss your family went through. And that is a wild coincidence! That had to be really tough, being so far from family, and knowing that a happier baby event was happening back home.

I think you're right that sharing with a close group is a good thing, mainly because that support will be needed in the even of a miscarriage. Of course then, everyone deals with the loss as well, and I think it can be nearly as tough on grandparents and other family as it is on the parents.

I think it's great that they went through the ritual of the funeral and burial. That little guy was a part of their lives, and it's nice that they gave him the name and include him as one of their children. I have a friend who's mother had a miscarriage/stillbirth when we were around 10, and they always include that little girl in the sibling rundown.

Katie from SLN answered
July 13, 2011 at 3:31 PM

Thank you. It was a rough time...Christmas was especially hard, because that's when my sister told us about her baby. (She made sure to prepare my brother and his wife beforehand, though, which helped soften the blow.)

It was definitely hard - on my mom especially, I think. I do agree that it may be best not to tell absolutely everyone you know - in the event that you do lose the baby, it's hard to remember who you've told, and telling them about the loss could be painful. But I did see a situation where a family friend lost her baby just after her first trimester, a day or two after she had told her family she was pregnant. She hadn't told any of her friends yet (she told my dad because he was her priest) and watching her go through that grief almost totally alone was just awful. Nobody knew it had happened except for us and her family, and I could tell she was aching inside - but we couldn't say anything in public, because nobody knew. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for her.

That's really sweet. My boyfriend's mom does the same thing - she has seven kids, but in addition she also had two miscarriages and lost the twin of her oldest son, and she counts them too. She named the two that she miscarried, but not the twin. Many years later, she started having dreams where she saw a girl she didn't know standing with a friend of hers who had passed away. The woman had her arm around the girl and kept saying, "Name her!" Finally, she realized that the girl must be her daughter - the twin she had lost. So she named her, and the dreams stopped. I got chills when I first heard that story.

Laura Hogg answered
July 14, 2011 at 7:58 AM

Laura, I'm sorry to hear about the loss your family had to go through too.

I've had three different friends open up to me in the past year that they went through a miscarriage. I think it is fairly common like you read Katie, which is just crazy to think about.

I agree with you both that sharing with a close group is key when things like this happen. One of my friends had just gotten married and she went into a mode where some people do where they don't really come out of their house and see people. They are both major introverts, so that contributed as well. It was 6 months before she started seeing friends again. And she had already had her miscarriage and had told no one, not even her husband. She shared with me and a couple other friends and I could tell instantly just by her expression that it was a huge burden off her. And then she eventually told her husband.

One last thing I would say is even though a miscarriage is excruciatingly hard to get through. People should tell their husband as soon as possible. Of course they need time to grieve alone and comprehend what happened, but it should be told to their husband fairly soon after finding out. A husband is your best friend and soul mate. I think if my friend would have, she would have felt so much better and not been holding a burden alone for so long.

Bri Luginbill answered
July 14, 2011 at 8:05 AM

Laura - the story about the dream is wild! I have chills this very moment thinking about it...

Brianne - totally agree. I think the father should be the first to know, and really ASAP. The child is just as much his, as is the loss. Even though he might not experience it so acutely, he has the right to know. And, as you said, having your closest people (and ideally that includes the father) aware has got to be good... just knowing you have that support:)

Katie from SLN answered
July 14, 2011 at 8:20 AM
Already a member? Just sign in!

You are at least 13 years of age and agree to our terms of service.

(All fields Reqiuired)

Report Abuse

Question Tags

PregnancyWomens Health

Short URL:

    THRIVE Email Newsletter from HelloLife®

    Subscribe to the THRIVE Newsletter

    Site Feedback