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November 25, 2013 at 1:27 PMComments: 1 Faves: 0

6 Foods Ostomates Love Now, But Will Try to Kill Them Later

By Big Dave from SLN More Blogs by This Author

New to having a colostomy or ileostomy? Welcome to the club! Here's the bad news: a bunch of the foods you know and love are now your mortal enemy. Where previously they nourished your body, now they stop you dead in your tracks with cruel pain and blockages leaving you damaged both physically and emotionally for hours.

1. Nuts

Full of protein and energizing awesomeness, nuts are a great, healthy snack, right?

Yeah, only if you like having the insides of your remaining intestines shredded. If you're like me, you don't chew 7,453 times before swallowing, but you can't get away with that anymore. Picture how nuts look after you chew them — that's how they're gonna come out. Hope you enjoy gravel-textured legume rocks of doom taking their sweet time to make a grand exit.

Safe Alternative: Get your fix with nut butters. Now more than ever, hazelnut spread, almond butter, peanut butter, and a whole other variety of nut butters exist fo you to satisfy nutty cravings without sacrificing your intestines.

2. Banana Chips

Surprised? Don't be. Yes, bananas are mushy and easy to eat and full of potassium and blah blah blah nobody cares. At the heart of the matter is the chipified version of this fruit. Once baked or dehydrated into that crunchy morsel of fun, it's just as dangerous as a stray nut. Maybe if you're lucky your stomach acid will help dissolve it some more. But after losing a battle with Mr. Peanut, are you really ready to risk it?

Quick Tip: Chew really well. If that doesn't work all that well for you, try frozen bananas as an alternate treat.

3. Popcorn

Have $50 burning a hole in your pocket and want to be in massive pain? Well, now you have an option besides visiting your local dominatrix: the movie theater. Ever the theater money-maker and dietary staple, popcorn doesn't care how much butter, salt, or seasoning you sprinkle on it. Every. Single. Hull. They will find a way to wreck your day just like the aforementioned nuts.

Safe Alternative: Rice cakes and puffed rice snacks offer a similar texture to popcorn. Many brands now feature flavored variations similar to buttered popcorn, or a wide variety of other flavors that won't kill you.

4. Mushrooms

"But Dave, mushrooms aren't hard and unforgiving! They're soft and spongy!" Yeah, they're soft and spongy alright. And also painful!

Mushrooms are one of those exciting new foods your body can no longer digest completely on its own. So be sure to chew them well, or you'll find yourself facing yet another blockage, guzzling water, screaming at the sky, hugging a pillow, and waiting for Smurf houses to vacate your premises.

Quick Tip: When possible, use smaller varieties of culinary mushrooms, or mince them before adding to your dish for all the flavor and way less suffering.

5 & 6. Black Beans & Lettuce

Don't even get me started on these. OK — get me started.

One of the places me and the crew go for lunch is Moe's Southwest Grill. They've got great burritos, and you can customize them however you want. Perfect for an ostomate, right? So I think to myself, "black beans are soft and tolerable, I should be fine with them." That was my first mistake. "That lettuce is shredded pretty fine, too, and since it's basically water in leaf form, I think I can handle it."

Well, this ain't baseball, and after two strikes I was out. No matter how soft and delectable the insides of black beans are, the skin on the outside is the part that tries causing drama. Add the lettuce in all of its leafy majesty, and you've got a fiber-filled recipe for pain.

Safe Alternative: Refried beans are perfect here because their skins are usually blended right into the dish rather than left whole. As for lettuce, try chopping it finer, chewing better, or substituting a leafy green that works better with you, like basil or cilantro.

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1 Comment

  • Mushrooms...check. Everything else on this list I can eat. You did forget spinach, that stupid leafy green in the guise of muscle food, it's an intestine blocking bomb for sure!

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