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May 14, 2013 at 1:45 PMComments: 1 Faves: 0

The Good Doctor Creates A Villain

By E.M. Wollof from SLN More Blogs by This AuthorFrom the The Blog Cosmic Blog Series

"Strewn about his lab are the trappings of genius incarnate. There can be no doubting the utter brilliance of the man who calls this place home. Brilliant, stunningly handsome, and pure, unadulterated evil. Booyah!"

"Are you soliloquizing again?"

"Shut it Minion! Of course I am in the midst of soliloquy! What evil genius, slash mad scientist, slash sexy fox of a man doesn't soliloquize whilst walking into his lair of evil?!"

"Normal people."

"Well Minion, we are currently 500 hundred miles underground, you just spilled coffee on weapons-grade plutonium, I have an I.Q. of 295, and you come from an experiment I performed on squirrels amidst a hellacious acid trip. So, lose the illusion my furry friend. By the way, where is my theme music? You know I can't properly soliloquize without my Mastodon!"

"Cuing 'This Mortal Soil' sir."

"Yes! Let the tasty riffs fuel our evil genius Minion!"

villainy

"And what will we be working on today sir?"

"All work and no play makes The Good Doctor want squirrel for dinner Minion! Hold your lighter up while I pwn this air guitar solo! Watch out for the butane fondu cloud though!"

"Sir, we really should be getting to work. Dr. Doom expects our perfect villain by the end of the day."

"Well, why didn't you say so Minion? You know how much I love impossible deadlines sent down by tyrannical dictators with tremendous super powers. Remind me again, why haven't we done away with all these narrow minded villains yet?"

"Because they fund our life."

"Ah, yes. Good point Minion! To work!"

"Where shall we start sir?"

"Every great villain needs a breathtakingly tragic childhood Minion."

"How about a victim of childhood bullying?"

"What did I tell you about watching Fox News Minion? All that nonsense stems from corporate marketing blitzes and repressed evolutionary traits, nothing more. Now shut your mouth and get your furry hands ready to key in this origin story."

"Any time you are ready sir."

"Try this on for size: The child was born, diminutive in stature, but brilliant in mind. Raised by loving parents, he wanted for not. As he watched the children around him grow while he remained small, wrathful determination bloomed within him. Where once he would play blissfully with the toys of his supposed youth, he now dedicated his vast brain power to conquering his fate. Fashioned from scrap metal picked up at a scrapyard run by a man named Butch, who may or may not have been a Catholic priest in a former life, the boy fashioned a crude exoskeleton to increase his size and strength. When he marched proudly into his family's living room to show off his invention, the metallic exoskeleton's nuclear powered core malfunctioned and annihilated both of his parental units. Stricken with grief, he lived out his youth in isolation, hell bent on physical perfection, mental godliness, and the destruction of the society that drove him to such extremes."

"Sir, isn't that your origin story?"

"Oh, I could have swore we were creating the perfect villain Minion. What better template than yours truly?"

"Isn't your mother still alive?"

"Leave Mummie out of this!"

"Apologies sir, the origin story is exquisite."

"Hells yes it is!"

villainy

"And how has our perfect villain been spending his time as of late?"

"For years our villain has sequestered himself away from all that is human life. He has worked tirelessly on unlocking the unknown potential that lays within the 90% of our brain unused and the 98% of our DNA's untapped energies. Upon discovering the mystery of this hidden potential, he has access to almost unlimited energies that are replenished daily, making him nigh invulnerable to fatigue or injury. By this time he has also perfected the exoskeleton from his youth. Added to the physical perfection he has attained, the armor is rather intimidating. Even to fearless madmen such as us Minion!"

"Trembling sir."

"He then focuses all his new-found energies on one thing and one thing only: the absolute control of an Einstein-Rosen Bridge!"

"A what, sir?"

"A frickin' wormhole Minion! Do you pay attention to anything I say around here?"

"No, not really sir."

"That hurts my feelings Minion."

"No it doesn't."

"Quite right! And on we go! Due to the masterful intellect and stunning good looks of our perfect villain, he soon masters control of these cosmic gateways. He is able to call forth wormholes, of all sizes, in any place that he can imagine. Even inside the unwitting mind of the world's supposed heroes! He is the perfect creation of scientific villainy!"

"That sounds great sir. Are we done?"

"Of course not! We still have the most important ingredient left to add!"

"Sir, Dr. Doom expects his villain in two hours time."

"Hush Minion! We still have to program the witty banter!"

"Oh."

"So, if our voracious villain runs into some hero spewing lines about justice, he should respond, 'There is no justice in the cold of space.'"

"Absolutely chilling sir."

"And, if some heroic hero decides to question the power of our chaotic creation, he will respond, 'Prepare to meet the last horizon you will ever see.'"

"That one could use some work."

"'Prepare for the last event you will ever attend.'"

"Worse."

"Than you come up with something Minion!"

"'Embrace the vast nothingness dear hero.'"

"Perfect! Good call Minion! I knew I created you for a reason."

"I though you said it occurred, and I quote, 'during a hellacious acid trip.'?"

"It did, but I'm sure there was a reason."

"As always, your kindness gives me a reason to live sir. Are we done here?"

"Yes Minion, we are done. Hey! Use the 3D printer we picked up at Kinko's yesterday!"

"Sir, this is Dr. Doom we are working for. Are you sure I shouldn't use the quantum generator?"

"No Minion! Did you see our energy bill after we generated The Gorgoroth last month? Go green Minion, jeez."

"Sir, we syphon energy directly from the Earth's core, we don't pay bills, and we certainly do not 'go green.'"

"Fine then Minion! As always, you logical prowess outweighs my environmental concern. Make sure to remind Doom there are no refunds!"

"You're not coming sir?"

"No Minion! I am not coming! Fringe is on tonight! You know I get very moody without my weekly dose of Walter."

"Of course sir."

FIN

Minion

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1 Comment

  • Solidly entertaining read.

    I love how minion is actually helpful sometimes.

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