5 of the Lamest Superheroes You Will Ever Read
Last week I penned a piece on the almighty anti-hero. In this piece I mentioned many a powerful hero, made so by numerous different circumstance, and unique displays of heroic action. To say that I left out a few heroes would be a massive understatement, as the comic book world is populated by a plethora of powerful beings. Not every being created within this beautiful medium has the staying power of the Hulk of Thor though, and it is to these wondrous failures that I dedicate this blog entry.
I should say, before taking off on this train of comic hilarity, that many of these heroes have fought gallantly for the benefit of the innocent. That being said, they most definitely had a lot of help when encountering a villain of badass pedigree. I chose them because they are pathetic in theory and representative of authors truly reaching for an idea. The former of which is always funny, while the latter can take many forms. For instance, Bob Kane was reaching when he first put Batman down on paper. Kudos Bob, that was one hell of a reach.
Without any further ado or gilding of the lily, here are five of the most tragically awful characters I have ever come across.
The Red Bee
DC has forever been a breeding ground of horrible heroes, and the Red Bee is no exception. Richard Raleigh is, apparently, a genius bee trainer who has enough apiary chops to train a bee to attack a target on cue. His favorite bee, Michael, is housed within his utility belt when he dons the red, yellow, and green minstrel outfit. Add a "stinger" gun and you get the Red Bee!
No joke here folks, a bardfit, a bee, and a stinger gun. Beware the might of the Red Bee! As the story goes, whenever the Red Bee gets into a spot of trouble, he releases Michael to sting his enemies. No special venom, no parlor tricks, just a sting and that's all folks. I mean, even logistically this makes absolutely no sense. Here you have a hero occupying the same realm as Batman, Superman, and the Green Lantern, and he is carrying around a trained bee as his last resort. I wonder if Batman actually cracks a smile when he meets him during a scrap. Here he is, able to scale buildings and level them with his utility belt, and the Red Bee has Michael.
Sidenote: I wonder how many Michaels died from heat exhaustion?
The Dogwelder held a coveted spot within Section 8, which was comprised of a hallucinating drunk, a self-professed pervert, a guy who carried around a window for the explicit purpose of throwing persons through said window, a guy who has a great power but can only hit his comrades, a Frenchman who uses a baguette as a weapon, a well-dressed man who uses phlegm as a weapon, and lastly, a man who uses an annoying stutter and palsy like movements to scare off villains. Needless to say, Section 8 was a collection of useless heroes who may have actually just been the drunken leader's frequent hallucinations.
Regardless of the team, Dogwelder takes the cake for creepiest member (even though one the members uses perversion as a weapon). This "hero" actually welds dead canines to the faces of his enemies. Yea, that just happened, you just read that. To their face!
I tell you what, half of me is thoroughly impressed by this hero who carries around a bag of dead puppies. I mean, that is some seriously intimidating stuff. Would you rob a bank if you knew there were a possibility a dog would be attached to your face for your actions?
By the way, how does one weld a dog to a face? Answers in comment section below please.
Despite his appearance, Razorback is actually a pretty sick hero, his stories are just so damn bad. He has the mutant ability to operate any vehicle, even if he has never seen said vehicle before. He can also build any vehicle type he wants, and he names them all Big Pig. He also wired up his feral headgear to some electricity, so his headbutt has a wee-bit more staying power.
The really terrible aspects of Razorback are not to be found in his power, but in the use of his power. It seems that every time this masked pig man goes on a trucking adventure, he ends up scrapping with a superhero, and then saving the day by cleaning up his own mess. Utterly pointless.
His "writing out" is the best though. He steals a NASA space vehicle to find his long lost love, only to find out that she has bunked up with yet ANOTHER space trucker. They inevitably team up to conquer some two-bit space villain, and now Razorback tools around space.
I love comic books.
SuperPro was the main character from a Marvel and NFL teamup series entitled NFL SuperPro. Penned by Fabian Nicieza, who admitted to writing it for Jets tickets, the comic series is largely considered the worst in Marvel's illustrious history.
SuperPro is the heroic manifestation of former pro footballer Phil Grayfield. An accident involving an eccentric scientist makes him powerful and he dons and indestructible football uniform. He then proceeds to fight mob bosses and other various baddies.
Not only was SuperPro beyond awful, but it was such an overt use of product placement that the 12 issue run is coveted by absolutely no one. I say this only because even I am surprised by it. Most times there are a select group of persons willing to latch on to a character and refuse to let go. I could find very little of this in regards to this atrocity.
Arm Fall Off Boy
Unfortunately for AFOB, his character was just as uninspired as his name. Created as comic relief for the already suspect Legionnaires, AFOB has the ability to pull his limbs off and use them as weapons. Unfortunately, AFOB is also a massive coward who quite literally "falls apart" when he gets nervous, causing him to miss the cut for the Legionnaires not once, but twice. He even changed his name to Splitter for the second effort, as if no one would notice the dude who can pull his own limbs off.
Yet another unfortunate circumstance that DC couldn't have predicted was the rise of the hipster. These lovers of all things hated, these supreme conformists, have apparently latched onto this character, calling for his return.
Just stop hipsters, please. You make me miss Goth kids.
Well, that is all for my list of comic characters that sucked so hard they eventually became remembered as characters that sucked really hard. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.