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June 20, 2012 at 1:55 PMComments: 0 Faves: 0

Interspecies Politics as it Pertains to the Genealogical Evolution of Subspecies in the Antarctic

By E.M. Wollof from SLN More Blogs by This Author

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

                                               -Douglas Adams


A recent study published in the Journal of Neuroscience details the discovery of a brain receptor that is pivotal in human aggression.

Semi Non-Fiction

Researchers from USC and Italy used mice to simulate excessive aggression in humans as they contain the same neural receptor that controls these types of things. After taking extensive interspeciesnotes and having long talks into the night about the social and scientific implications of impulsive aggression in humans, these clever folks decided to turn it off (the receptor that is, not the long talks, no one wanted that).

Now they have a collection of rather dull mice spinning furiously (figuratively of course) in their little mice wheels, not having any opinion other than the occasional thought on how someone should invent padding for these wheels, or shoes for mice. Of course, there was no real conviction in these thoughts as all aggression had been shut off.

The researchers, true to form, immediately began developing a drug to pacify humanity.

Complete and Utter Fiction

They reveled and pined over the monumental achievement they stood upon the cusp of, dancing delightedly about the lab and slapping geeky high fives whenever their coordination decided to allow contact.

Interestingly enough, while the humans delighted in their victory over human emotion, the three other species in the lab had this to say:

Monkey: "Say chaps, what are the Homo Sapiens getting on about today?"

Mouse: "They shut off part of my brain."

Monkey: "Oh really? And what part would that be?"

Mouse: "Apparently the part that made me think this wheel was foolish, as I can't seem to remove myself from it."

Monkey: "Come now, just step off it."

Mouse: "I can't. Every part of me seems oddly happy now and this wheel seems the best expression of that joy."

Fly (on wall): "He's serious Monkey. Hasn't left the wheel since the Homo Sapiens put him in the cage."

Monkey: "Shut it Fly! No one likes you."

Fly (on wall): "Just sayin'"

Monkey: "No, I'm serious. I really don't think that anyone likes you Fly. All you do is buzz about and interject semi-clever philosophical notions into conversations that have nothing to do with you. I just wish you would..."

Mouse: "Monkey, as I am fairly sure that I am about to die, I would like you to know that I have thoroughly enjoyed our discussions on interspecies politics as it pertains to the genealogical evolution of subspecies in the antarctic."

Monkey: "As have I my friend. Travel well."

With a final squeal the mouse that had been running on the wheel for the last six hours fell dead on the sawdust he once despised until very recently when he discovered he felt quite indifferent about it. The sawdust, on the other hand, really didn't care for the mouse and was most happy that he had ran himself to death.

The researchers halted their copious drinking, delighted dancing, and geeky hand slapping to ponder the dead mouse that had recently revealed to them the secret of pacifying humanity. The first thing to come to all their minds (in unison, as a matter of fact) was: "Plenty more where that interspeciescame from."

As the Homo Sapiens continued to flail about wildly in their apparent victory and the monkey went back to writing his doctoral thesis on interspecies politics as it pertains to the genealogical evolution of subspecies in the antarctic with his own fecal matter on the cage wall (interestingly enough, it should be known he had been doing this for quite some time and the Homo Sapiens continued to think he was making such amazing progress on his reproduction of the letter "A." When, in actuality, the language he spoke, when written, resembles the Homo Sapien letter "A" but with thousands of intricate and beautiful differences that comprise a truly artistic written language) the fly thought to himself:

interspecies"Many a wall have I had the opportunity to rest upon and, in my infinite resting, never have I observed a species so bent upon controlling their own nature than the Homo Sapiens. They sing the praises of their evolved thought process while continually striving to control the most basic building blocks that helped them achieve that evolution. Such a shame they will be their own undoing, I really did enjoy the pinnacle of their creative mountain."

Thoughts of rotting Big Macs pranced around in his head as he buzzed to his next intellectual conquest.

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