The World at Large
By Jeany Miller More Blogs by This AuthorFrom the Diary of a Fat Woman Blog Series
Throwing in the Towel
I'm on the cusp of accepting that I am destined to be a fat woman for life. My bulging arms, round belly, and thunderous thighs appear as though they’re here to stay. What has led me to want to throw in the towel forever? My own attitude, which leads to a lack of commitment.
I want to be thin. If I could wish myself into dropping serious weight right now, I would. I cringe when I see photos of myself, and rather than welcome photo opportunities, I shun them. Seeing is believing, and if I don’t have to see myself, I can continue believing my body is not as jiggly as it really is. I also avoid mirrors, sometimes to my detriment. I walked into a meeting with mascara smudged under my eye, a mishap that could easily have been corrected if I’d felt confident enough to look at my reflection. But even that is too upsetting, and I’d almost rather just accept the smudged mascara than see my huge cheeks staring at me.
So why don’t I do something about it? I can’t diet, because, after a single day, I feel deprived and binge like crazy on cookies and chips. I hate exercise and look for any excuse not to engage in it, so dreaming up a killer workout is a huge waste of time. I don’t even go to Curves, although I pay a monthly fee for my membership, because I feel like it does nothing for me. But that is because I don’t have enough sense to stick with it for more than one week. Even I know results won’t come that quickly, but something is seriously wrong with my head. I want the results… I’m just not willing to put in the work to get them.
Right now I’m in something of panic mode, because my boyfriend’s daughter is getting married next month. His daughter is a size two with lots of thick, gorgeous black hair. The same is also true of his ex-wife, who, of course, will be in attendance. I haven’t even purchased a dress yet, because I know nothing will help me hide my fat rolls. I’m dreading even the thought of going shopping in the first place.
To this end, I’m seriously considering not attending the wedding, even if it costs me this relationship, because I’m so ashamed of my appearance. That’s wrong, I know, but I can’t help it. I’m at the point I don’t want to go out in public because I feel so hideously enormous. I’m afraid people at the wedding will compare me with my boyfriend’s ex-wife (who is absolutely stunning) and make comments like, “Well, he definitely could have done better,” and “You have to admit she’s certainly no beauty.”
I hate the thoughts I’m having and wish I could drown them somehow, but I don’t have the willpower to stop eating the junk food that tastes so good, yet makes me feel so miserable. I could perhaps offset this with a daily walk, but I’m too lazy even for that. At this point, I’m just disgusted and am hoping tomorrow will look a little better.